I Don't Know If I Could

Watching Gossip Girl season six.

Gossip Girl 的故事情节往往离不开金钱与物质

但这里面不断强调表达的，竟是那近乎虚幻般的从来就不存在我认知里的

Fate.



In season six, everything seems to be the old pattern again.


所幸，Dan 与 Blair 终于分开。

I'm sorry Dan, no offence.

Blair 终于正视自己由始至终爱着Chuck, this is undeniable.

Serena and Dan, FINALLY

两人终于有一点点眉目了，经历一堆惨不忍睹的状况以后。

Maybe, maybe this is the reason that I start believe in fate.

And maybe, maybe this is the reason that I have been single all the time.


当然，再加上现在的男生素质真的差得惨不忍睹。



想想其实真的好久不曾写部落格抒发自己

因为这些真实性情害怕在人前曝露出来

因为感觉 unsafe

因为害怕表达真正的自己以后会失去许多机会。

But screw you, 要是不能正视自己的心理由始至终都是向着一个人最终我还是不会跟任何一个人在一起

或就算在一起了那又怎样了因为隐瞒着心底的这一块疙瘩终有一天还是会跟救生圈说bye bye

那我为何需要救生圈呢？



因为生理需要？

因为纯粹想找个人滚床单？



OH GOD，要是真的只想滚床单早在半年或一年前就已经跟那色胚滚了

而且seriously Utar 那么大我会不知道哪一些人是可以被攻下滚一轮床单说bye bye的吗


因为我清楚自己要的滚床单不仅仅只是滚床单而是与当时一样有着激情有着心动有着感觉的心情而不是滚床单

只是滚床单刚好made that happened.



说到底我只不过是跟Blair一样 stuck 在同一个人身上走不出来

And damn it I really don't want to be in this way.

And seriously 那天我仔细算算竟然 stuck 在这人身上已经三年了

I was like "SERIOUSLY **** UP"

像我这种人怎么可能你说怎么可能stuck在同一个地方三年？

Three years, for god sick THREE YEARS.



尤其每一次每一次

当陷入低潮当不知所措当每一次都以为自己没有办法再振作了

都会深深深深地想起他

为什么呢为什么就是要想起他让自己更痛苦呢？

因为每一次陷入低潮都有他当我的后盾？

因为他那一句该死的 "You were there for me, so I will be there for you" ?

And this is SERIOUSLY ENOUGH.

How many times I have to recall back this sentence

While I know this will never be true?



这个semester真是够了，

已经足以快把我给搞疯了

已经太多低潮太多无助

不断地忙绿不断地花费心思打理一切不断地遭遇瓶颈

甚至遇到了我觉得这一生中我他妈都不会忘记的神经病

然后被这神经病打压打压不断地打压再打压

尼玛真是够了。



拜托不要再让我想起你的拥抱与低语

告诉我 everything will be okay.

This is not helping any more.




Please, anyone.

Just HELP me get out of this.

I'm such a mess.

8.8% of alcohol.

might be the perfect number.